I'm 19 and I've never had a boyfriend!! SOS

         As coronavirus sweeps across the world, I sit in my apartment forty-five minutes away from my hometown. When I'm not in class, I am here. Thoughts swirl and possibilities emerge in my cluttered room with clothes tossed aside or books scattered haphazardly on my desk. 

    This is dangerous. 

    You see, I found out that this boy I liked has a girlfriend. No biggie, right? Well, it kind of feels like the end of the world. I'm sitting here in this apartment, rehashing my whole life up to this moment until the sky outside my window turns to ink. 

    Why can't I be that girl?

    What is wrong with me?

    I feel like running miles to the nearest hospital and getting my whole being checked. Is it because my face isn't symmetrical? I'm weird, right? Surely someone with a medical degree can give it to me straight and I can face life knowing it's not me, it's the genes. Or someone cast a spell that made me impossible to love. Or maybe I have a big sign on my forehead that says, "HURT MY FEELINGS" and everyone can see it plain as day but me. 

    Maybe, there is nothing wrong with me? That is definitely not it! It has to be my fault. I'm nineteen and I have never been in a relationship. Never been kissed. That's out of this world crazy! I have to change myself so he will like me or if not him, the next one. I have to solve this problem. I have to pray that God will make me more funny or give me a sparkle in my eyes by Monday morning. If only it was that easy. 

    I can't do any of these things but I still sit in my bed, under my weighted blanket, counting the paint chips on the ceiling and thinking: "I just wasn't enough for him." 

    SPOILER: Actually, as it turns out, I am enough! Phew. Good news.

    Ever since I was little, I've loved the idea of love. My grandma (Mimi) used to tell me that I had a perfect husband out there waiting for me. She said she couldn't wait to meet him. 

    "Well, where the hell is he?!?" - 5 year old me, probably. 

    Mimi and I loved dressing up and we always dressed up like we were going to a wedding. My favorite movie growing up was Beauty and the Beast. She loved that man so much that he literally transformed. Sounds awesome. Mimi loves my Papa and he loves her. She used to tell me that he saved her. 

    "Like Belle saved the Beast?"

    "Sure!" 

    When I got older, Mimi and Mom introduced me to the movie version of The Phantom of the Opera with Gerard Butler as The Phantom. If you don't know it, it's basically seven year old Sydney's dream. Lavish costumes, over the top musical numbers, and a love triangle. I sat between Mimi and Mom, clutching my blanket. I gasped at every swell of the orchestra and every sweeping high note. But... I had one question. 

    "Which one is her wedding dress?"

    "Not this one."

    "This one?"

    "No."

    "What about this dress?"

    "Yes, she's getting married."

    Christine in The Phantom of the Opera had a beautiful wedding dress and two handsome men fighting over her. She was IT. They both love her so much. My heart ached and my cheeks began to flush. 

    Looking back, that story has its problematic elements and I don't want to get kidnapped in an underwater lair but nevertheless, Christine was loved by a man. TWO men. What else more could she want? That's what I wanted! I wanted a boy to love me and think I was beautiful. Mimi said it would happen. 

     I had my first crush in first grade and then about fifty after that. When middle school came and my friends started dating guys, I wanted it so bad. High school came and my friends started getting Boyfriends, with a capital B. Intense relationships rather than just "You wanna take a pic in front of the yogurt shop?" I wanted that too. 

    In high school, I didn't get a lot of male attention. A very minuscule dollop. Girls were getting asked to school dances and going on dates and I was just supporting through my friends through it. I thought I needed a boyfriend to be whole and I was devastated. I would really like a guy and then BAM a girlfriend? BAM uninterested?? BAM he doesn't know I exist??? 

    It hurt. I'm not gonna lie, sitting there and watching your friends text cute boys at sleepovers while you're just playing Candy Crush hurts. Every romantic movie we watched sucked. I wanted to be them so bad. I would sit in bed and be like:

    "Why the hell can't I be that girl, huh? God?? It's me! I'm tired of this! I think I'm OK looking! Right? I need to lose thirty pounds? Is that what you're saying? What did I do wrong? I wanna be freakin' Belle! Not the damn lamp!"    

    I wrote a list: pale, fat, ugly, loud, annoying, mean. I cried. A lot. It was like a party trick at that point to tell people I've never had a boyfriend. It contributed a whole lot to my self esteem and made me think I was incapable of being loved. I know, I'm DRAMATIC. 

    I'm here. A string of boys I've liked and something always happens. It's pathetic. It's sad. It's not fair. 

    It's normal. It's okay. 

    THERE. IS. NOTHING. WRONG. WITH. YOU. 

    Sitting in my apartment, I had to give myself the hard truth. The hard but rather beautiful truth is this:

    I'm nineteen years old. I've lived an extraordinary, meaningful, rich life so far. I have accomplished so much. How dare I minimize myself to where I'm just a mere lonely speck that has no man? I am complete. I am loved. I am enough. Blah, blah, blah. You hear that all the the time...but here's the kicker: Everyone's story is different. Ugh, gross! But, it's true. There's no formula to growing up or manual on how to build your life so it becomes a movie. You have to figure it out. That usually comes with a lot of struggle and a lot of "why me's?" But for now:

    Be the woman you want to be. The right ones will be there. And who cares about the wrong ones? It's so much easier said than done. It's so much easier to say that before you find out the guy you've liked for so long doesn't give a crap about you. It's hard! But, a woman doesn't need a man to be whole. People don't walk around just being halves. You're already whole. You're already enough with your whole face and you whole body and everything about you. Christine didn't need two men fighting over her. She could've worn that dress and sang her song ALL BY HERSELF. It's normal to want love like your grandparents have and a boyfriend and attention. 

    No man, however, is worth sitting up at night wondering where you went wrong. No man is worth questioning your worth. No man is worth changing yourself. No man is worth not allowing yourself to be happy. 

    Mimi would not be proud of me wallowing in self pity. You know what she said to me when I asked her what she do if she hadn't found Papa?

    "I would just live. I can do it all by myself. Life is too short, you know, to worry about such things."